In my life there are 3 white ladies in pop culture that I hold near and dear to my heart: Margot Robbie, Lara Croft and Gianna Michaels. Everyone else, outside of a 3 AM Wikipedia search, is just auxiliary. However, it’s time to expand my horizons.
Fiona Apple, the woman with two first names: the first name of an A List Star and the first name of The A List stars child. She’s been around for years and years but I honestly had no desire to listen. Mostly because I forgot she existed until I saw niggas on twitter be more excited about her album than DaBaby’s. So I figured that with nothing better to do I’d give it a shot.
So let’s get into “Fetch The Bolt Cutters”.
This is interesting.
At my first listen it kind of reminds me of a trip to IKEA where you know exactly what you want but keep getting distracted. She kind of rambles like Bob Dylan but the music in stays focused. It’s like she’s in a trance-like state. If The Exorcist was directed by the nigga who directed Midsommar the soundtrack would sound like this. I’ve been kind of confused this whole time, but I can tell a woman is in distress...I think. This is a good album for people who hate gentrification but moved to the city from Iowa. It’s less guilt and more self awareness, she knows who to hate because deep down she doesn’t like herself. I started listening to this and had the desire to put on a cardigan. I don’t fully know what that means but that’s what this album feels like. This album is for the people who used to get turned on by the American Apparel website because the models used to have their nipples out in photo shoots for socks. Does that sound too specific? Probably. Is it the correct assessment? Most definitely.
This is the perfect album to listen to during Social Distancing. Time just melts away as you hear her sing about resentments and her one black female friend. White people have no excuse not to wash their legs after listening to this because you will spend 30+ minutes in the shower. If you’ve ever wanted music to help you pick out a yoga mat, Get The Bolt Cutters will have you buying one with asymmetrical color blocking.
Now the faults, hmm well, I can’t really think of any. Not because it’s a perfect album, but mostly because I just can’t think. This is an album about feelings, some songs made me feel good and some made me feel bad; that’s all the detail I can give. If I can think of one critique it’s that listening to this album I completely forgot to drink water so, if you like staying hydrated you might find this problematic.
Fiona Apple is the lady who apologies for bumping into you with her guitar on the train. You wanna be annoyed with her but then you see her yell at a Transit cop for ticketing a black teenager. Yea she’s privileged, but she wants to use it for good like Blade.
To be honest there’s no where else I can go after comparing Fiona Apple to Wesley Snipes so just give the album a listen. I give “Fetch The Bolt Cutters” 7 faded olive tank tops out of 9.